The Vietnamese government has made it a law to wear facial coverings, to better protect us from the virus. But instead of wondering about the efficacy of the masks, that got us thinking about good guys and bad guys. Come join us in the discussion!
Batman battered Bane in “The Dark Knight Rises.” But if they fought in a COVID-19 gas chamber, who would win? These are the questions we asked ourselves as we debated a fun topic about heroes and villains. Specifically, which hero or villain has the best coronavirus mask to survive this pandemic during a death duel.
This situation will play out in a tournament format, similar to the one the NCAA uses to determine its champions in men’s and women’s basketball. We’ll start with 16 heroes and villains, then we’ll have eight, and so on.
You’ll see a lot of familiar names here, maybe some you don’t know, and probably a few you wish were on the list. Please tell us if you feel we missed someone. We are open to more debate.
But there are some rules. No groups of heroes are eligible so, sorry, Avengers and the Fantastic 4. There’s just a greater chance one of you gets the virus and infects the rest of you. Well, maybe except the dude made of rock.
Spoiler alert: Seaman and Swallow did not make it either.
Sweet 16: Rewriting the movies
Bane beats Batman
Batman’s mask leaves his mouth 100% exposed. That’s great for when he wants to sound menacing to criminals but it doesn’t help him much now. Bane could probably survive a nuclear attack with his facial wear — the reason he was picked over the Joker — and in this case, he didn’t have to even throw a punch. Technically, coronavirus scores a first-round knockout over Batman.
Predator over Schwarzenegger
Arnold’s character is actually called Dutch in the famous 1987 movie, but we prefer the alliteration of the name combo above. And even though Dutch won in the world’s biggest upset (before Buster Douglas destroyed Mike Tyson), there’s no way Predator loses in a COVID-19 chamber, not with the mask he wears. Sorry, Dutch, but covering yourself in cold mud only protects you from Predator, not the virus. Like Bane, Predator wins by first-round KO without touching his opponent.
Terminator terminates Sarah Connor
A Schwarzenegger character makes a comeback in our tourney, this time in the original “Terminator” and in this fight he gets the win. Maybe it’s better to be the villain? Nah, probably not. It was just never realistic that a robot from the future would ever lose to a mask-less Sarah Connor and that guy who helped her make John Connor. And a robot sure won’t lose to the coronavirus either. Like the first two matchups, a quick knockout here.
Freddy Krueger carves up Nancy Thompson
The 1980s were unfathomable when you think about it. So many villains went down when they would easily beat their nemeses in real life, and in “A Nightmare on Elm Street” they got it right. Remember, the movie ends with Freddy trapping Nancy and her friends in a car as it drives off. That’s why Freddy made the list but Jason and Michael Myers did not. Also, the man with knives for fingers only appears in our dreams, a pretty good vaccine against COVID-19. KO, first round.
Wonder Woman overwhelms Ares
Finally, a woman wins. Women should fare better than men anyway because they have a higher tolerance for pain. They give birth, one of the most painful parts of life. So Wonder Woman uses her smarts and endurance to defeat the arrogant Ares by third-round knockout. At this point, some of you may wonder why Sarah Connor couldn’t beat Terminator. After all, she gave birth to John. To that logic we say, “C’mon! We’re talking about Terminator!”
Green Goblin gashes Spider-Man
The two main reasons why the Goblin outlasts Spider-Man:
- The Goblin emits a deadly green gas. No way he lets a vaporous pathogen penetrate his metallic mask.
- Spider-Man let Mary Jane pull off part of his mask to kiss him in the famous upside down smooch. That kind of exposure to the air is a quick way to get the virus.
Therefore, the choice was easy.
Megatron overcomes Optimus Prime
This one’s a coin flip, and, unlike in “Transformers,” Megatron came out on top. And yes, we know there’s an argument that each character is part of a larger group, Megatron a Decepticon and Optimus Prime an Autobot. But we needed at least one robot vs robot battle in our first round. After all, it’s the year 2020. Not having a conflict between artificial intelligence today would be like not seeing Bruce Lee in old kung fu movies.
Superman manhandles Lex Luther
The Man of Steel only succumbs to kryptonite and Lex won’t have any in the COVID-19 chamber, where the virus will prove to be his weakness. In fact, Luther is kind of a wuss when you think about it. Superman sets the record for quickest knockout, 8 seconds.
Elite 8: Now it gets interesting
Bane bashes the smirk off Green Goblin
The Goblin is a metal clown. Bane doesn’t f*#k around. Bane by first-round knockout.
Predator preys on Superman’s weakness
Predator comes from another planet and he stopped by Krypton to get some of the crystals he needs to stop Superman. Another quick knockout.
Terminator tells Megatron what’s up
In our robot-on-robot sequel, Terminator prevails because, well, he’s the freakin’ Terminator. Did we not make it clear before how badass he is?
Wonder Woman mindf*#ks Freddy Krueger to death
Nancy almost felled Freddy by telling herself he’s not real, but she never truly believed it. Wonder Woman doesn’t think anyone can beat her and that’s enough to send Krueger to a slow and painful death in dreamworld.
Final Four: Anybody’s guess
Bane vs Predator
A battle between the best masks ever made
Wonder Woman vs Terminator
A brilliant hero with the highest tolerance for pain vs a villain that doesn’t feel pain or emotion
Coronavirus Mask winners
We could tell you, like we did with the Sweet 16 and Elite 8, but we don’t wanna decide everything in the coronavirus mask debate. Use your imagination. And then share your thoughts with us in the comments below. Let’s have some fun while we follow lockdown regulations in Vietnam!